Trusting in where I am.

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For a long time my life has been without roots. There have been the things that have tied me to a place like family and love, but I have never really stayed for long in one place. My life has always been a little bit chaotic. I have always felt like a restless soul and I like the feeling of moving on. But sometimes I struggle with not having one place where I can always come back to, a home where I can put down some roots and start to build something.

As a kid our family moved around a lot. We moved houses every 3 or four years and often had to pack up just when things were feeling settled in. Perhaps my restlessness has come from the feeling that my living situation can change just like that. I always envied my friends who had family homes that they had grown up in. Their history was attached to a single place where mine felt disjointed and nomadic. I have always struggled to settle in because often my life has been uprooted by things outside of my control.

It’s occurred to me that part of my struggle to adjust to life here in London has been that I still feel like a nomad expecting to have to uproot myself again at a moments notice and find somewhere new to live. In my own mind I am already thinking about how impermanent my situation is. The problem is that it doesn’t have to be. It’s a situation that I am creating in my mind and conquering this feeling might be part of the key to me relaxing in to life in London a little more.

You see living under the expectation that I will have to move all the time is making me resist putting down roots, building my home or my room in this case, making real connections and allowing myself to really begin the process of building a life. I know that I can stay for five years, I want to stay for five years but some part of me already assumes that I’m going home.

There is some uncertainty about the future that is fueling this thinking. I haven’t bought a bed or any real furniture because I’m already planning to have to move on and I don’t like that feeling. I’m nervous about what I am going to do when my contract ends, but I have managed to survive in the past there is no reason why I can’t do it here.

So I have decided that I am going to work more on accepting where I am and trusting that the Universe has presented me with an opportunity to live my dream because it knows that I am ready. It’s what I have wanted for a very long time. I’m going to start fitting out my room and making it my home. I’m going to act like it’s mine for the next five years and start settling in to the idea that this is my life now and not just twenty minute episode. I’m going to embrace where I am.

The reality is I am in London, one of the most amazing cities in the world, working on a great opportunity and living the dream I have had since I was little. This is where I am here and now and it’s going to be awesome. Any worries about the future can wait until they actually happen I’m not going to go out of my way to create them.

As the great Bill Maher said, life’s difficult enough without making shit up to fuck with yourself.

6 thoughts on “Trusting in where I am.

  • August 8, 2014 at 11:32 pm
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    What a great post Shannon. I’ve been feeling pretty much exactly the same. In the last seven years, I’ve moved address about 8 times. Never made the effort to make a place my own, except for one place where I put up some posters and that was it.
    Now I’ve moved in to a house I’ve bought with siblings, and still have felt a little disjointed. Perhaps I need to do the same and say “yes, I’ll make this a place to stay”.
    Thanks for the post, and I’m also more than happy that you’re giving London a good shot. I’m glad England is a welcoming enough place for you to want to make it “home”.

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  • August 9, 2014 at 5:57 am
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    You have been hurt while moving around when you where younger. You would make friends and then again leave them just as you accept them in to your life.

    Now that’s what’s controlling you. You fear being in one place because you think that your going to be hurt again. Moving around a lot means you have a disconnect from those around you. You never really make that connection because in the back of your mind you know your going to move again. Even now you as an adult make plans to move because it’s what you have always done. but now you have put other layers on it.

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  • August 10, 2014 at 4:34 am
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    First, nice little camera trick Shannon. I see that image in the mirror. Someone is enjoying his time off and got some of his tease mojo back.

    On second issue. I feel for you Shannon in having to move around so much in your childhood yrs. That definitely would be hard in bonding to a place/investing in friendships. (Did you Grandparents have at least a family home with history?)

    Thou now that you know what the potential underlying tension/worry is. It is just another step to work out of your life Journey and your time in London.

    It is interesting how some may have a similar problem of opposite type. You are trying to learn to set down roots and make a more stable bond to where you are living. For me I am hopefully going to try to learn to re-set/re-start my roots. (Phoenix rising from the ashes)

    I have been lucky to live in the same area in the State of Ohio for some thirty yrs. But I had a shock to my life Journey in 2013 in that I lost both of my parents to illness 4 months apart. They pasted too young with both in their yearly sixties.

    I have inherited the family home and living there for the time. But have come to the conclusion there is too much of a shadow sadness with memories everywhere. I am learning to purge 30 yrs of stuff as hope to make a potential move in a yrs time.

    I wish you well Shannon as you come to learn to settle in London for the time and enjoy your work. I hope to continue following your blog to inspire me to continue forward on the journey also.

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  • August 10, 2014 at 10:13 am
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    Own it babe, do it, make it. you can and will do it. xx

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  • August 11, 2014 at 5:23 pm
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    It may be that I’m too much of a stick-in-the-mud, but I do think it is good to be able to expect to stay somewhere long enough for it to be worthwhile to furnish the place. 🙂

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  • August 12, 2014 at 12:47 am
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    In my youth, I moved often. In my young adult life, I freely went wherever work took me. Be it for a week or a year. Then one day 20 years ago, I stumbled on a great deal for a new construction home. I never intended to stay there and work has changed multiple times taking me all over the globe. But I never sold the place. Now, I live there with my husband and dog. The place is paid for and I can’t see myself ever giving it up.

    Life has a way of letting you know when things are right.

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