For a long time my life has been without roots. There have been the things that have tied me to a place like family and love, but I have never really stayed for long in one place. My life has always been a little bit chaotic. I have always felt like a restless soul and I like the feeling of moving on. But sometimes I struggle with not having one place where I can always come back to, a home where I can put down some roots and start to build something.
As a kid our family moved around a lot. We moved houses every 3 or four years and often had to pack up just when things were feeling settled in. Perhaps my restlessness has come from the feeling that my living situation can change just like that. I always envied my friends who had family homes that they had grown up in. Their history was attached to a single place where mine felt disjointed and nomadic. I have always struggled to settle in because often my life has been uprooted by things outside of my control.
It’s occurred to me that part of my struggle to adjust to life here in London has been that I still feel like a nomad expecting to have to uproot myself again at a moments notice and find somewhere new to live. In my own mind I am already thinking about how impermanent my situation is. The problem is that it doesn’t have to be. It’s a situation that I am creating in my mind and conquering this feeling might be part of the key to me relaxing in to life in London a little more.
You see living under the expectation that I will have to move all the time is making me resist putting down roots, building my home or my room in this case, making real connections and allowing myself to really begin the process of building a life. I know that I can stay for five years, I want to stay for five years but some part of me already assumes that I’m going home.
There is some uncertainty about the future that is fueling this thinking. I haven’t bought a bed or any real furniture because I’m already planning to have to move on and I don’t like that feeling. I’m nervous about what I am going to do when my contract ends, but I have managed to survive in the past there is no reason why I can’t do it here.
So I have decided that I am going to work more on accepting where I am and trusting that the Universe has presented me with an opportunity to live my dream because it knows that I am ready. It’s what I have wanted for a very long time. I’m going to start fitting out my room and making it my home. I’m going to act like it’s mine for the next five years and start settling in to the idea that this is my life now and not just twenty minute episode. I’m going to embrace where I am.
The reality is I am in London, one of the most amazing cities in the world, working on a great opportunity and living the dream I have had since I was little. This is where I am here and now and it’s going to be awesome. Any worries about the future can wait until they actually happen I’m not going to go out of my way to create them.
As the great Bill Maher said, life’s difficult enough without making shit up to fuck with yourself.