Gay 101. Some tips for relighting that bedroom spark.

Start with a rubber chicken, baste generously in lube and insert…

Just kidding. I was asked about this a while ago and I think with the holiday season just around the corner now is as good a time as any to write about it.

It is at this point that this article can go two ways. We can talk about about super rim jobs and slutty underwear to make your man horny, but you are not going to help your partners low sex drive by trying to force him have more sex.

For some of us who have been in a relationship for a long time ( insert your own reference for “long time” here ) the fiery sex that we used to enjoy during the honeymoon period may have begun to burn out or may have died all together. As sex is an important part of our lives a disappointing sex life can be the source of tension and resentment in a relationship. It is worth mentioning that sex is not the only foundation of a relationship. If you are considering leaving your partner over your sex life then chances are that there are other issues you may not have recognised too.

Before you try to relight the spark you need to think about why things may have begun to fizzle. There are all kinds of reasons why you or your partners sex drive may not be what it was. Don’t jump straight to the “he’s not attracted to me anymore” conclusion when really that may not be the true root of the problem at all.

Possible reasons for a low sex drive.

There are far too many reasons why you or your partner may feel a low interest in sex to cover here, and for more clinical reasons I suggest you speak to a doctor.There are however a few things that we can think about, and if we recognise them in ourselves or our partners begin to address.

Fatigue. Being tired can have a huge impact on a persons sex drive. Working long hours, missing out on sleep, masturbating all the time to OneD posters and exhaustion will leave us with a low sex drive. It’s easy to say “get some rest”, but not always so easy to do. Getting a good nights sleep however and taking some time out to rest yourself will help your sex drive as you have more energy and feel more alert to your partners needs.

Stress. Stress in our personal lives and at work can also leave us feeling a lack of interest in sex. Take some time out for yourself and for your partner. This doesn’t mean you have to plan a dirty weekend away. Simply spending some time at home to relax, run a bath, plan dinner, turn your phones off and disconnect from the rest of the world for a short time to focus on each other.

Drug and/or alcohol abuse will result in a reduced sex drive. Pill dick and the droopy drunk aside if there are genuine problems with alcohol and drugs then you will need to seek more professional advice. This is not something that is going to be easily fixed.

Low self esteem. Feeling unattractive and depressed. Reassure your partner that you still find them attractive, pay them compliments and make them feel special. Your partner may very well be horny but embarrassed by their appearance. When was the last time you complimented them on they way they looked? For a more serious case of depression seek professional advice.

Obesity and a general lack of health and well being may result in a reduced sex drive. Health and diet are important. Eating better and getting some exercise has the added benefit of increased fitness for your sexual marathons but will also result in improved body image and self esteem. Many foods have very positive health benefits when it comes to your sex drive. Check them out.

Relationship problems. Being angry with your partner can often result in a lack of interest in sex. The thing about sex is that it strips away the layers of ourselves and makes us vulnerable. It makes us open ourselves up to feelings and to people and leaves us open to being hurt. It’s hard to let go if you don’t feel safe and hard to make love to somebody you are angry with. The old saying don’t go to bed angry stands true here. Communication with your partner is key and dealing with other issues in your relationship will improve your sex life too. We all know how amazing make up sex can be.

Try not having sex and see what happens.

One of the funnest things to do is not have sex. WHAAAAAT? I hear you say! Let me explain. Why not try jumping in the shower with your partner, soap him up and slowly, gently, sexily touch him all over making a point not to let it turn in to sex. In fact make a point of not letting it turn too sexy. Learn to explore and discover your partner all over again and reengage some of the intimacy. Try it in bed. Try a massage or gently stroking his body all over. Stay clear of his dick and ass and just let him relax and enjoy your touch all over again without the pressure of feeling like you are trying to initiate sex.

Lastly how little is too little?

If I were to ask you how if you how many times a week you were having sex, and then ask you why you thought you needed to have more how would you answer?

Would you say “well Bill and Ted are having sex every night and we only have sex once a week”?

Remember that everybody and every couple is different. If you think you should be having more sex because other couples are then thats cultural and peer pressure, not a low sex drive. do what works for you and your partner and don’t worry about Bill and Ted.

So there you have it. If you need more advice then speak to your doctor. Sex is a minefield that needs to negotiated but the rewards of taking your time and being thoughtful about what you do with your partner are well worth it. Remember to communicate and pay attention to your partners needs and you will go far.

Happy fucking