>Well I am sitting here again watching “Love Actually”. Its my feel good movie. Whenever I feel like crap I watch it and it cheers me up.
This week has been an emotional roller coaster and I feel exhausted. With the exception of a few shining moments this week has been awful!
I finally felt like I was moving on from my relationship until last Friday when I made the mistake of spending the night with Josh after a late night “I miss you” text that I received from him. I was elated, on cloud 9 only to find that once again the next day that I had been dropped like a sack of bricks. Talk about going from high to low. It’s a hard thing when you realise that your ex is moving on especially when they make you feel as though things could be alright after all. Its harder still when you think against all common sense that they are doing it with someone more beautiful and more successful than you. Imagination is a bitch!
In my head I know this is all crazy but my heart is just so strong at the moment. It would be easier if I could get angry but that’s just not who I am, so although I know better I still am struggling with my emotions.
So I think that baby steps are the way to go right now. Yesterday I deleted the last of his pictures from my phone and took down all our photo’s in my room. I still have his number and facebook to go but I can’t quite bring myself to deleting those yet… Like I said, baby steps.
How do you move on from someone who has such a complete hold on you. Tomorrow I am going to Melbourne for the day. I gave up a lot in 2008 to be with Josh in Sydney and I have decided that 2009 is going to be MY year. So I’m going where I want and doing what I want. Ill see who I want and give all those things a go that I was too scared to try in Melbourne starting with a dream I have had for a long time of joining a surf life saving club. Moving on is about taking control and that’s what I’m going to do… I’m taking back control of my life by getting out there and doing what I want!
I desperately miss my boys so I’m going 1000kms back to Melbourne for the day tomorrow to spend it with them. I need their support right now and I need to catch my breath outside of Sydney.
I have met SO many wonderful people in Sydney but until I move on from this I wont be able to build the relationships I need. I feel too damaged. Some of my mates up here have said I need to harden my heart, to not let anyone in! I just can’t do that. That’s not being open to the possibility.
So its back to square one again but each time I learn a little more and get a little stronger.