I haven’t had sex in almost two months and I’m feeling really good about it.
For the moment at least I am keeping it in my pants and it’s made a huge difference to how I feel about myself and how I feel about sex.
If you act like a fuckboy then people will treat you like a fuckboy and that’s exactly what I have been doing. How people treat you is a reflection of how you treat yourself and I will admit that when it comes to sex I have been ruining myself. It’s hard to get respect when you show none to yourself.
I deserve better, I should treat myself better.
Getting rid of Grindr and stepping out of the pickup culture isn’t easy but it wasn’t until I felt the crazy taking over my life that I really began to realise the damage I was doing to my body and to my soul. Random hookups, darkrooms, sex parties and attaching my self-esteem to how many fucks I got were making me miserable. Sex always left me unsatisfied and only pushed me to act wilder and wilder in search of satisfaction.
I have always had an open approach to sex. I am not a monogamous person and I am open to experimentation. Sex is natural and my view of it has always been that it should be enjoyed freely, but as with all things in life sex in moderation is important.
In my search for satisfaction the problem wasn’t that I needed more sex, it was that I was getting too much sex. It wasn’t satisfying because it wasn’t special.
Taking away the hookup pressure has had some unsurprising effects on my life. My relationships and friendships with the people I meet have become much more rewarding because I am actually taking the time to get to know them, while going slow forces them to take the time to get to know me. When you get to know a person the lust may dissipate but you may just end up with a friend instead. That’s what I really need right now in London, less fucks and more friends.
I got sick of getting messages for hookups from guys who never thought twice about me for anything else and who were clearly just doing the rounds. I allowed myself to be treated that way to begin with and thats why they thought it was okay. The no sex rule also quickly sorts out the boys who want a genuine connection from the boys who just want to cum on my face.
Without the pressure to hook up I’m enjoying going out more and just being with my friends. The emotional bashing I used to give myself whenever I went home alone has all but disappeared.
Yeah I still get toey and feel like boneing something but I have been sorting myself out for years so there is no reason to stop now. On the plus side I’ll need to find other outlets for my angst which means my exhibitionist side will probably get a super charge! I’m sure I’ll be back in the saddle eventually but right now I’m in no hurry to have sex again.
This boy is out of bounds until further notice.