Gay 101. Containing the rage.

It’s been no secret that the last few months have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride.

Mostly due to the fact that a significant client of mine has been simply belligerent when it has come to paying their bill. I completed the work nearly four months ago, and the not insignificant amount of money they owe me was ear marked for a number of things that I had planned to progress my business. I have learnt sooooo much about protecting myself over the last four months, and about how to run things, that in some ways the difficulties have been valuable. But that hasn’t meant that it’s been any easier.

The problems that have arisen and the sudden realisation that not everybody is ethical or even professional has been a hard one, and has caused a significant amount of anger to build and build until last week there was nothing less than total rage boiling away in my veins. Shouting “serenity now, SERENITY NOW!” hasn’t helped.

Normally I have been able to deal with anger. My ability to look on the positive side and do set aside the karma of others has always held me in good stead.

So what has been different over the last few months?

Why have I allowed the anger to build and build?

Why has it been so hard to let it go?

I had lunch with my Mum a couple of days ago and she quite rightly pointed out that the stakes are much higher now. It’s easier to shrug of anger when it’s over something you can forgive or move on from. But the actions of others are having a direct effect on things that are really important to me and thats why I can’t let it go. Mums really do know everything.

It’s true. The things that are really important to me at the moment are my work and trying to build some kind of career for myself, and not being able to fund the business and its growth in the manner or speed that I want, has meant that opportunities have been lost. Doors always open where others close but it’s been a hard lesson in business that you can’t rely on anybody.

Moreover anger poisons everything, and it’s one of the reasons I have trained myself for so long to recognise it and let it go. Little things, unrelated things, were making me angry. Things that never bothered me before were drawing my extreme attention and my blood boiled constantly. Anger is such a violent emotion and it made me feel agitated and unable to focus. The worst thing is that I always make bad decisions when I am angry. It’s really hard to see the solutions when you are locked in a rage spiral.

So it was nothing short of enlightening when during the course of having lunch and talking about it, the anger began to disappear. Knowing why I was so angry took away it’s power. I am still angry but the blood boiling rage has dissipated leaving again the determination and positivity.

So next time you feel rage and anger try to recognise it and stop for a moment to think about the reasons why you are so angry. See through the red haze to what is really happening. Have lunch with a friend for some fresh perspective and don’t let the bastards get you down.