I have written in the past about sex and how there is nothing wrong with waiting until you feel ready but there is a trend amongst many gay men to simplify sex in to the two categories, all or nothing.
I don’t know whether it’s a symptom of the homogenised porn age we live in, but at a time when most young people see porn before they get any kind of sex education it makes sense that our idea of what sex is and can be is slightly skewed. Sex is so much more than Oral and Anal.
I don’t think the reality of what we do in the bedroom is quite so polarised but certainly my experience in the way that my friends think or speak about it is.
For example. There have been many times when sex has come up in conversation. We all do it. A little bit of gossip over coffee or a diet, soy decaf, organically, sustainably grown chai latte (not from Gloria Jeans ). How many of us sit there and have a chuckle about each others sexual exploits. The point here is not the gossip. Rather think about what these conversations actually describe. How often do we talk about just cuddling on the couch, or the great way he kissed? How often do we just talk about the way he brushed the hair out of our eyes or the way he nibbled on our ear? How often were these things all that happened? Mostly we talk about a full blow sexual encounter, oral anal and visual with out enjoying the nuances of how we got there in the first place.
I have noticed that in our quest to not look “slutty” many young gay men are forgetting that Sex has many different shades and levels. I have felt it myself. I have sat there many times on a date and wanted to just hold the guys hand but in the back of my mind I am thinking “will he assume I just want sex?”. Why can’t holding hands just mean holding hands? It’s this all or nothing mentality that is the cause of so much frustration. We want to be able to express affection with a hug or a hand hold but as men we must fight our inevitable drive towards naked sweatyness.
In our epic struggle for intimacy we often start out with good intentions and then then our hormones take over and before we know it the beast with two backs is living in our lounge room. I’m not saying that all guys are like this all the time. But I think if you are honest with yourself then you will at least understand what I am talking about.
There are many MANY levels of arousal and intimacy between our non dairy, low cal, flat white with artificial sweetener, and washing the lube out of our sheets.
So it comes down to self restraint and knowing exactly what we are looking for. This is no easy feat. Restraint means allowing ourselves to enjoy a person and their company with the hope that something will develop further. Restraint means maybe a hug and a kiss on a first date and leave the blow job for later down the line.
A hug and a kiss can be just as rewarding as full blow sex if it means that you have the opportunity to build a connection that is more than just physical.
On a more technical note anal and oral sex are only a small part of the smorgasbord on offer. Entire books have been devoted to all the different “shades” of sexual intercourse and expanding your repertoire will also make you more able to enjoy sexual encounters without having to go the whole hog. I once had a guy make me cum just from massaging and licking the small of my back. It was once of the most satisfying encounters I have ever had and yet it was a long way from full blown oral or anal sex. Oral and anal are only a fraction of the 50 shades of pink bits that make up Gay sex.
So next time you are attracted to a guy but don’t want to engage in sex straight away or want to make things last a little bit longer, don’t be afraid to explore all the other possibilities. Your would be partner will appreciate the extra attention and you can still have a good time without giving it all away. It will also heighten the intimacy you feel because you will be building on your connection as you explore, tease and enjoy giving pleasure to your partner as much as the will enjoy receiving it.