50 shades of Pink bits.

I have written in the past about sex and how there is nothing wrong with waiting until you feel ready but there is a trend amongst many gay men to simplify sex in to the two categories, all or nothing.

I don’t know whether it’s a symptom of the homogenised porn age we live in, but at a time when most young people see porn before they get any kind of sex education it makes sense that our idea of what sex is and can be is slightly skewed. Sex is so much more than Oral and Anal.

I don’t think the reality of what we do in the bedroom is quite so polarised but certainly my experience in the way that my friends think or speak about it is.

For example. There have been many times when sex has come up in conversation. We all do it. A little bit of gossip over coffee or a diet, soy decaf, organically, sustainably grown chai latte (not from Gloria Jeans ). How many of us sit there and have a chuckle about each others sexual exploits. The point here is not the gossip. Rather think about what these conversations actually describe. How often do we talk about just cuddling on the couch, or the great way he kissed? How often do we just talk about the way he brushed the hair out of our eyes or the way he nibbled on our ear? How often were these things all that happened? Mostly we talk about a full blow sexual encounter, oral anal and visual with out enjoying the nuances of how we got there in the first place.

I have noticed that in our quest to not look “slutty” many young gay men are forgetting that Sex has many different shades and levels. I have felt it myself. I have sat there many times on a date and wanted to just hold the guys hand but in the back of my mind I am thinking “will he assume I just want sex?”. Why can’t holding hands just mean holding hands? It’s this all or nothing mentality that is the cause of so much frustration. We want to be able to express affection with a hug or a hand hold but as men we must fight our inevitable drive towards naked sweatyness.

In our epic struggle for intimacy we often start out with good intentions and then then our hormones take over and before we know it the beast with two backs is living in our lounge room. I’m not saying that all guys are like this all the time. But I think if you are honest with yourself then you will at least understand what I am talking about.

There are many MANY levels of arousal and intimacy between our non dairy, low cal, flat white with artificial sweetener, and washing the lube out of our sheets.

So it comes down to self restraint and knowing exactly what we are looking for. This is no easy feat. Restraint means allowing ourselves to enjoy a person and their company with the hope that something will develop further. Restraint means maybe a hug and a kiss on a first date and leave the blow job for later down the line.

A hug and a kiss can be just as rewarding as full blow sex if it means that you have the opportunity to build a connection that is more than just physical.

On a more technical note anal and oral sex are only a small part of the smorgasbord on offer. Entire books have been devoted to all the different “shades” of sexual intercourse and expanding your repertoire will also make you more able to enjoy sexual encounters without having to go the whole hog.  I once had a guy make me cum just from massaging and licking the small of my back. It was once of the most satisfying encounters I have ever had and yet it was a long way from full blown oral or anal sex. Oral and anal are only a fraction of the 50 shades of pink bits that make up Gay sex.

So next time you are attracted to a guy but don’t want to engage in sex straight away or want to make things last a little bit longer, don’t be afraid to explore all the other possibilities. Your would be partner will appreciate the extra attention and you can still have a good time without giving it all away. It will also heighten the intimacy you feel because you will be building on your connection as you explore, tease and enjoy giving pleasure to your partner as much as the will enjoy receiving it.


4 thoughts on “50 shades of Pink bits.

  • August 9, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Shannon I was plagued with the “Two Month Relationship” syndrome and was tired of it I wanted more. then a friend of mine who just celebrated his 3 years with his man gave me good advice. I was like a lot of gay men and had sex on the first date which of course was great. He told me that he liked this guy and didn’t want to lose him so they didn’t have sex for the first 2 months of dating. So I tried it. I found a man I really liked and told him that this was important to me. So we did a lot of kissing, hugging, rubbing naked chests together but didn’t have sex for 2 whole months. The first time which happened to fall on his birthday, was amazing! and for the next 10 years we have had the same amazing sex. We learned to enjoy the pre-sex experience and still enjoy that side of the experience. Believe me it is a good thing. Thanks for this post.

  • August 10, 2012 at 3:10 am

    Another great article Shannon! Totally agreed. My problem is I rarely even make it to the date. A sexual-encounter usually IS the date, and that’s pretty much the worst way to try and get someone to like me 🙂

  • August 10, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    If we look at this from the perspective of people who are just coming out, or who have just come out, and are working on their first encounter with hopes of it leading to a longer relationship, there are a lot activities between a good night kiss and going all the way in its various forms.

    I think it is unwise to give everything away on the first date, especially when the terms of the encounter aren’t clear. If I can be some what blunt an open. Here are some of the possibilities.

    1.) Get naked (gradually) and make out.

    1a.) After a wet and wild make out session, you finish yourselves off. To each his own.

    1b.) play with each other, and finish by playing with yourselves (mutual and self masturbation.

    2.) you can engage in oral foreplay without ‘going all the way’. Again this type of foreplay can be very erotic, but you finish as above.

    3.) There is something called “Frottage”. In the simplest terms, this means rubbing your bodies together. For example, face-to-face with your penises trapped in between. Rub your penises against each other until you have a happy ending … or two.

    3.a) Two of the best places to engage in ‘frottage’ are between the thighs from the front or the back. This is called ‘intercrural sex’, look it up on Wikipedia, this practice is ancient, and actually goes back to the Greeks. The second is with the penis FLAT between the butt cheeks. Not penetrating, just laying flat like a hotdog in a hotdog bun. This is actually quite satisfying.

    These various form of ‘Frottage’ typically require some type of lubrication, and can be done with or without condoms, depending on how much mess you are willing to put up with. You can use non-approved lubs like hand lotions, but real water based lub really works best.

    Here is an additional hint, if the water based lub starts to dry out, usually a few drops of water will bring it back to life.

    The real key is imagination and ingenuity. There are many sexual activities available to the creative mind, that don’t require oral or anal completion.

    I’ve used all the techniques in new relationships, relationship in which neither I nor my partner were quite sure what we wanted or what we were willing to do. But we did know we were horny in the moment.

    As a person becomes more experienced, and has a clearer picture of exactly what they are comfortable with, and what they are willing to do, you can spend less time on these in-between measure, and more time getting to the point.

    Whether for a one night stand, or a new potential relationship, proceed with caution. Hearts and bodies can be broken, and while hearts heal, though miserably painful, sometime when bodies break, they break forever.

    Be creative and remember, don’t trade all of your tomorrows for just one night.

    Hopefully that wasn’t too graphic, I so, I’m sure Shannon will let me know. In the mean time, remember the mind is the most powerful sexual organ. It can take you to amazing SAFE places if you let it.

  • August 10, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    finally someone is talking about a subject that has been on my mind for a long time. sure once the blood starts pumping ‘downstairs’ things can get cloudy but only 1 boyfriend i have had has been satisfied with cuddling on the couch watching a movie without trying to escalate the ‘moment’ into full on sex… later on in bed sure things moved on to a more intimate tone but i do appreciate his satisfaction in the intimate moment without needing to take it further. in a relationship we all know we will ‘get some’ (so to speak) but finding a partner that enjoys ‘intimacy’ seems harder and harder.
    the last guy i started to see was fine about being honest sexually about what he was into etc. he ‘finished’ first and then became adamant that i had to cum…all i wanted to do was cuddle and get to know him better, i was happy he had cum but didn’t see it as the be-all-and-end-all for me. anyway my point (if i have one is) so many guys will do anything physical to ‘get off’ but actually talking to another guy seems to freak them out more


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